Yesterday was
the first day of my life that my grandmother was no longer here. For the past
27 years she has always been there. I could get to her by foot, or by car, or
by plane, or by phone. The reality that no matter where I go or what I do I can’t
get to her has momentarily eluded me. I cannot fathom a place where she is not.
It seems so untrue. The hurdle for me is
in my perspective. Of all the people in my life she has been the most consistent
and stable. She was often a haven for me to run to. She always
listened to me open-mindedly. She gave me her honest opinion and called me out
on my (often) erroneous opinions and ridiculousness. She took on the
responsibility of raising me for a period of time. Two weeks ago when I was
with her we reminisced and laughed a lot about our times together. About how
stubborn I was and how my overactive imagination challenged her and got me in
trouble all the time. About all our crazy cats we rescued. About how she taught
me horrible eating habits and made me fat…she always thought that was funny. We talked about our adventures in Alaska and
about how much we loved living in Oregon. About how I love her stories
about the farm and raising her kids. She had so much passion and love for her
children, grandchildren, family, friends, and her animals. She loved to read
and to learn. She had this amazing mind that was so sharp. She was a huge advocate of education and I knew
it broke her heart that she was never able to get hers. Every time we talked she would say education
at least 5-8 times and I would tease her and she would respond with saying “education,
education, education.” She had this adventurous spirit and this hunger to
experience life that I always admired and like to think she passed on to me. She had a wonderful sense of humor and always
made me laugh with her silliness. The hurdle is that she has always been here
and it is completely unnatural to me that she won’t be anymore.
I read a book a few years ago called “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis. It is his journal from when his wife passed away. I learned a lot from that book about grief, death, mourning, and doubt. One thing is that each experience of grief is unique. There is no rule book on proper grieving because it affects each of us differently. He talks about fear being a commonality in dealing with death. Fear that we won’t see them again, fear that we will forget them, the fear that we have lost a part of ourselves. The fear of loss of self was intriguing to me. I had never thought about it before. It has resonated a lot with me thinking about all the people in my life who have helped shape and mold me. Also, thinking about how each person brings out a different part of each of us. The loss of that person is deep and tragic but in losing them there is a loss of ourselves too. It’s a fascinating thing that each person brings out a different part of us. It’s heavy to think about my grandmother being gone and to think what she brought out in each of us when we were with her has left with her. Of course there are things that she has taught us that we will always carry with us. Relationships are such a gift and the uniqueness of each of them so beautiful.
A few thoughts
from the book that I like…
“God has not
been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their
quality. He knew already. It was I who didn’t. In this trial He makes us occupy
the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my
temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to
knock it down.”
“If you’re
approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end, but as a means,
you’re not really approaching Him at all.”
“Can a mortal
ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All
non-sense questions are unanswerable. How many hours are there in mile? Is
yellow square or round? Probably half the questions we ask (half our great
theological and metaphysical problems) are like that.”
“Rebuke,
explain, mock, forgive. For this is one of the miracles of love; it gives to
both a power of seeing through its own enchantment and yet not being
disenchanted. To see, in some measure, like God. His love and His knowledge are
not distinct from one another, nor from Him. We could almost say He sees because
He loves, and therefore loves although He sees.”
“The best is
perhaps what we understand least.”
Some pictures of grandma...
With McKenzy when she was born. Her first great grandchild.
With Tory
At the famous "Keller" reunion
With Kayla Marie
At an Oldies/Rock n Roll show in Branson
In Alaska, on a tour boat
Beautiful.
Kayaking in Alaska.
I could have used some fishing lessons from her.
“Death is swallowed up in victory.”
“O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?”
“O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?”
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Yeshua our Savior.
~1 Corinthians 15:55-57
