חַי (life)

grief observed

2012-01-10T15:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday wasthe first day of my life that my grandmother was no longer here. For the past27 years she has always been there. I could get to her by foot, or by car, orby plane, or by phone. The reality that no matter where I go or what I do I can’tget to her has momentarily eluded me. I cannot fathom a place where she is not. It seems so untrue. The hurdle for me isin my perspective. Of all the people in my life she has been the most consistentand stable. She was often a haven for me to run to. She alwayslistened to me open-mindedly. She gave me her honest opinion and called me outon my (often) erroneous opinions and ridiculousness. She took on theresponsibility of raising me for a period of time. Two weeks ago when I waswith her we reminisced and laughed a lot about our times together. About howstubborn I was and how my overactive imagination challenged her and got me introuble all the time. About all our crazy cats we rescued. About how she taughtme horrible eating habits and made me fat…she always thought that was funny. We talked about our adventures in Alaska andabout how much we loved living in Oregon. About how I love her storiesabout the farm and raising her kids. She had so much passion and love for herchildren, grandchildren, family, friends, and her animals. She loved to readand to learn. She had this amazing mind that was so sharp. She was a huge advocate of education and I knewit broke her heart that she was never able to get hers. Every time we talked she would say educationat least 5-8 times and I would tease her and she would respond with saying “education,education, education.” She had this adventurous spirit and this hunger toexperience life that I always admired and like to think she passed on to me. She had a wonderful sense of humor and alwaysmade me laugh with her silliness. The hurdle is that she has always been hereand it is completely unnatural to me that she won’t be anymore.

I read a book afew years ago called “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis. It is his journal fromwhen his wife passed away. I learned a lot from that book about grief, death,mourning, and doubt. One thing is that each experience of grief is unique.There is no rule book on proper grieving because it affects each of usdifferently. He talks about fear being a commonality in dealing with death.Fear that we won’t see them again, fear that we will forget them, the fear thatwe have lost a part of ourselves. The fear of loss of self was intriguing tome. I had never thought about it before. It has resonated a lot with methinking about all the people in my life who have helped shape and mold me.Also, thinking about how each person brings out a different part of each of us.The loss of that person is deep and tragic but in losing them there is a lossof ourselves too. It’s a fascinating thing that each person brings out adifferent part of us. It’s heavy to think about my grandmother being gone andto think what she brought out in each of us when we were with her has left withher. Of course there are things that she has taught us that we will alwayscarry with us. Relationships are such a gift and the uniqueness of each of themso beautiful.

A few thoughtsfrom the book that I like…

“God has notbeen trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out theirquality. He knew already. It was I who didn’t. In this trial He makes us occupythe dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that mytemple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was toknock it down.”

“If you’reapproaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end, but as a means,you’re not really approaching Him at all.”

“Can a mortalask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. Allnon-sense questions are unanswerable. How many hours are there in mile? Isyellow square or round? Probably half the questions we ask (half our greattheological and metaphysical problems) are like that.”

“Rebuke,explain, mock, forgive. For this is one of the miracles of love; it gives toboth a power of seeing through its own enchantment and yet not beingdisenchanted. To see, in some measure, like God. His love and His knowledge arenot distinct from one another, nor from Him. We could almost say He sees becauseHe loves, and therefore loves although He sees.”

“The best isperhaps what we understand least.”

~ I wanted to share about my grandmother (Ann) because many of you have heard me talk about her and share stories but never got to meet her yourselves. She was lovely and I wanted to share that with you. I don't want to put her in an unrealistic light. She wasn't perfect but to me she was a beautiful example of what a grandmother should be. Thank you to those who have been praying for her and my family! Your encouragement has meant so much. I am abundantly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life.

Some pictures of grandma...

With McKenzy when she was born. Her first great grandchild.

With Tory

At the famous "Keller" reunion

With Kayla Marie

At an Oldies/Rock n Roll show in Branson

In Alaska, on a tour boat

Beautiful.

Kayaking in Alaska.

I could have used some fishing lessons from her.

“Death is swallowed up in victory.”
“O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Yeshua our Savior.

~1 Corinthians 15:55-57

neglect

2012-01-06T19:38:00.000-08:00

I’m sure many of you would consider the name of this postmost appropriate due to my lack of updates lately. My apologies, rarely do Ihave worthy excuses. I’ll share a few pictures to give you a peek into what hasbeen going on in my life…

I spent Christmas in Missouri with my Grandmother, Aunts, and a little cousin "Kayla"

What a blessing it was to spend time with them! This is my (beautiful) grandmother, Ann. I would not be who I am without her...she has invested so much in me. God has blessed me greatly with her!

I do indeed work for Ashford University and at every meeting they give us new Ashford swag...today it was a bobble head...I know you are all 'j'

Healthy, and praising Him!

(Thank you to those who check up on me and pray for me).

Reading a lot! This is one of the books I'm reading right now...it's pretty good.

The note I found on my pillow when I got home today...so thankful to be near my family and just love on them and receive their love in return.

I don't usually buy magazines but this one caught my eye since I'm now a "Denverite"...I love bucket lists...this one is fun...included kayaking, the zoo, bluegrass festival, food fests, etc...

These girls bring so much happiness to my life! Yesterday, Kennidy turned 3. I am so thankful to have this time with them.

These pictures are from Rocky Mountain National Park...breathtaking...come visit me...I'll take you there!

The Summit moved to a new building! Still abundantly blessed by the depth and sincerity I have with this community of believers...so thankful for them!

I love the Avett Brothers...and I like this song.

A verse that blessed me this week...

"He told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart"

~Luke 18:1

discovery

2011-11-13T11:37:00.001-08:00

The other day I discovered a whole cabinet in my kitchenthat I didn’t realize was there. This is shocking because I have lived here 4months and the kitchen is really small. It doesn’t make any sense that I wouldmiss such an obvious thing. In my momentwith my surprise cabinet I realized that I am discovering new things all thetime… about…life, God, love, people, relationships, my heart, my desires, men,women, children, beauty, humility, depth, health, sickness, friends, family,failure, success, forgiveness, freedom, peace, hope, motivation, loss, gain,blessings, trials, faithfulness, loyalty, betrayal, strength, weakness, joy,endurance, discernment, knowledge, wisdom, poverty, slavery, brokenness, loneliness,sanctification, redemption, grace, etc…the list is endless.

Then I thought how marvelous all these discoveries are andin the same moment how minute they are in light of all there is to bediscovered. One of the greatest things Ihave learned in my life is that I have so much to learn. How blinded we all areto so many things in the world. Today, I praise Him for what He has revealed tome and mostly what He has revealed to me about Himself. How void it all wouldbe without Him.

Some pictures of last week...

This is the name of a guy I work with. I love his name.

This was my name tag...shows where my mind was during training.

I look like my grandma in this picture and I love her so much.

For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse.

(Romans 1:19-20 ESV)

my escape

2011-11-11T20:40:00.001-08:00

I have shared previously that I am adapting to city life andsurprisingly I am really enjoying living the urban life but this week I wasstir crazy. I needed a break from the high rises and the hustle and bustle. Ineeded fresh air, nature, mountains, etc... Thus, my escape. I originally justplanned to do a "fun" run somewhere beautiful and ended up at RedRocks. I had never been there. It was lovely and refreshing. It made me thinkabout how I am so often trying to escape God and run from Him. Ultimately, Isurrender because there is no where I can go that He is not. I am thankful forthat. What a desolate place that would be, without Him all this life and beautywould seize to exist.

Some pictures from my escape...

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
  Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
  If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
  and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
  and your right hand shall hold me.
(Psalm 139:7-10 ESV)

Awkward Movement

2011-11-06T10:45:00.000-08:00

I have an endless list of so called "awkwardmoments" as I'm sure most people do. Oddly enough, I love awkward moments!The brief un-comfortableness is worth the hilarity of it. If you’re a fan of “TheOffice” then this kind of humor appeals to you to some degree.

Recently, I have had a lot of opportunities to dance. Mymost awkward dancing (movement) experience was when I went Salsa dancing about a monthago. I danced with a very little man (note that I am tall) who did not speakvery good English. It was also quite obvious that he was not an experienceddancer. I had no room to talk since it was my first time salsa dancing but theman leads and when he doesn’t know how to do that it is somewhat of a mess. Let’s just say the whole dance consisted of melaughing hysterically and him (very seriously) trying to lead me in a dance hehad no idea how to execute. It was sofun and memorable for me do to its “awkwardness”

Friday, I went Contra dancing in Boulder with my friends (Deband Jeb) and there was the same man! I laughed so much thinking about dancingwith him before and most of the night I spent watching him for my ownentertainment. He truly loves to dance. I respected him a great deal because I couldsee it is something he works at and that he genuinely enjoys. Not much had changed he was still an awkward dancer and I loved that. Itreminded me so much of Michael Scott.

I have to add the band “The Great Band Duo” was amazing! They played Dave Matthews and it was outstanding. Thanks Deb and Jeb for a fun night!

I couldn't resist after referencing Michael Scott.

This is the Great Bear Duo. They were fantastic.

Diversity Day

2011-11-05T15:11:00.000-07:00

I really am a country girl. I have never lived long in anyurban setting so it has been an adjustment for me to move to Denver. Now that I have a job right downtown I amreally getting a taste of what it’s like to live in a big city. One of thethings I love the most about Denver is the diversity of all the people thatlive here! I love culture and the assortment of people that God has created.The Light Rail provides me with the opportunity to watch all kinds of peopleand it is amazing. Yesterday, the Light Rail actually hit a pedestrian and I had totake a detour to get home. On my long ride home I sat by two men from Kenya, two Asianladies, two Indian (not native) ladies, and a young Hispanic man.

The young Hispanic man was funny; he had this old boom boxfrom the 90s he was carrying around. Healso had this long chain around his neck and on it he wore his grandfather’sring. I really appreciated him and his love for his family. Also, his love formusic…I mean to carry around that big ole boom box all day…he must have reallyloved him some musics. I LOVE music and I recently misplaced my iPod (I know it’s a smallthing but it has been sanctifying). I'm thinking I should consider carrying around a boom box I’d beless likely to misplace it.

The men from Kenya were fascinating! It was as if they werespeaking English but I couldn’t understand a word they were saying. I didobserve that one was a pastor and one was a student who just moved here. Thepastor was showing him around Denver. I could have listened to them talk allday. Their skin and their teeth were stunning.

The Indian women were so expressive! They were talking ontheir phones and using their hands all crazy like. It was interestingsince the person on the other line couldn't see their hands. I thinks its amusing when people use their hands a lot to communicate.

The Asian ladies were exhausted. I could see it in theirbodies and especially their eyes. People are right to say that the “eyes” arethe windows to the soul. You can see so much through people’s eyes. A perceptive person once told me that I had “oldeyes” it offended me at first until I realized what he was saying. He wasright.

I was too excited and thankful for all the diversity I observedyesterday…so much beauty. Confucius said “Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it." I agree that everyone has beauty (because we were all made in His image) and of course not everyone sees that.

"So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them...
And it was so.

And God saw everything that he had made,

and behold, it was very good."

(Genesis 1:27-31)

This is from the Light Rail. I just noticed it yesterday. Who knew gambling was such a problem. I'm gonna start leaving my dice at home.

rtd love

2011-10-30T10:28:00.000-07:00

The RTD (Regional Transportation District) is just the public transportation here in Denver. This week I rode the Light Rail to work for the first time and I loved it! I really haven't rode public transportation since I was in South Korea...so it brought back lots of wonderful memories. It provided me the opportunity to do so many things I enjoy. I'm an avid people watcher and there is a mass of fascinating people to observe on the Light Rail. I appreciate taking in beauty...not only the beauty of all the people but as you gaze out the window you see the snow capped mountains (I love mountains)! Instead of fighting traffic I get to sit peacefully and lookout at the breathtaking view. I got to read my book! I could go on forever but I just wanted to share this small blessing. My new job provides me with an ECO pass which pays for all my public transportation. I praise God not only that I enjoy the RTD but that its free!

I love to meet people too! Friday I met Alex. I saw him from a distance at the 16th & Stout station and it was obvious he was very excited. He was reading all the signs about the times and the stops and jumping around. I could tell he didn't pick up on social cues and had some mental impairment. He caught me staring at him and came straight to me (very close) and said "Hello, I'm Alex! What's your name?" I told him my name and we shook hands. He then told me "your hands are so warm!" I loved him right then because people (including elderly women) always tell me my hands are so cold. Alex went on to tell me all about the stations and showed me his notebook where he writes all the stations he visits everyday. He knew so much and was so passionate about the RTD. The fact that Alex spends his days riding the Light Rail and takes notes about it might seem somewhat ridiculous but to me it was inspiring. Alex is all about the Light Rail and you can tell by watching him. What am I all about? I'd say I'm all about Yeshua but when you watch me or look at my life...is that what you see? I was challenged by Alex and I was thankful for his passion. RTD Alex I look forward to seeing you again and learning more from you.

Words from a song I heard this week (Lyrics could be off a bit, this is the gist of it)

"Thou has said to walk on water but I stumble in the sand,

O' to run and not grow weary

Yeshua come and hold my hand

Promise me Thou won't forsake me,

for my life depends on Thee,

grieve it on my heart, reminding,

that Your truth has set me free

Thou art great and full of light, that no eye can yet behold,

please give to me only through your light,

a heart that longs to kneel

For I believe, I believe, please help my unbelief,

for I believe, yes, I believe,

Oh Lord please help my unbelief"

~Jeff Berry Band

“I believe; help my unbelief!” ~Mark 9:24

Assembly

2011-10-26T11:07:00.000-07:00

In my transition to Colorado I knew that I wouldn't last long without a body of believers to fellowship, worship, and share life with. I cannot praise God enough or say enough how blessed I am to be a part of The Summit!

This is a picture (I took off of facebook) of where we meet!

Check us out...

Summit Sermons

Help us out!

'So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God"

(Ephesians 2:19 ESV)

Panorama Post

2011-10-25T16:23:00.000-07:00

I wanted to update everyone on Colorado life...so I thought the quickest way (also, my favorite way) would be through photos from the last few months...

Colorado is beautiful!

Golden, Colorado

City Park, Denver

Since I've been here I get to spend lots of time with my nieces!

McKenzy started kindergarten...and loves it!

First day with Daddy.

Lots of girl parties and we always make a special dinner together.

Love my time with my Moms!

Adapting to city life.

I've been so blessed to see old friends...

Hay-Hay...

...Beth Reed...

and so blessed to make new friends...

I have been thinking on this passage lately...

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace.

~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

two weeks.

2011-07-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

Most of you have heard my recent news about moving to Denver, Colorado...and if you haven't...now you know. Two weeks from today I will start my way westward...with a few stops along the way to see family and friends. In the mean time I have a bucket list for the next two weeks I have left in West Virginia...

1. ~~Cathedral Cafe~~
2. ~~Summersville Lake~~
3. ~~Longpoint~~
4. Beauty Mountain
5. ~~Glade Creek~~
6. ~~Pies & Pints~~
7. ~~Larry Crowne (with Kristen)~~
8. ~~TRAC camp-out (if Bruce will let me)~~
9. ~~Rock climbing (with Emily)~~
10. Bowling/~~Farmers market~~
11. ~~Zumba~~
12. ~~Girls night with Elise & Candace~~
13. ~~See and spend time with as many people as I can!!!~~
14. ~~Hug as many people as I can!~~
15. ~~Fried green tomato sandwich at the Tamarack~~

Studying the life of David never gets old...love this verse.

"...For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” ~1 Samuel 16:7

Summersville Lake. Beautiful.

חַי

2011-07-04T06:36:00.000-07:00

In Hebrew חַי (chai) means "life" or "living" and since this blog is a chronicle of my "life" I thought it an appropriate title. Also, I am alive (living) which hasn't always been the case in my life. You may think "Well, that's absurd! How can you not be alive during your life?" Great question!

There was a time in my life when I was disconnected from the only true Life source available to us (mankind). That life source being a loving God who created us and desires a relationship with us. In the new covenant testament the book of Ephesians (2:1) explains that "you were dead in the trespasses and sins" This does not mean that I did bad things so I was a sinner. This means the state of my heart...the core of my being was corrupt. That was me...dead, separated from God, and without hope. Depressing...right?

This is where "life" comes in! Ephesians also tells us in 2:4-5 that "God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Messiah (Yeshua) by grace you have been saved." God who loves us greatly, gave us a Savior, a Messiah, His own Son, Yeshua and it is through Him that we have life! By grace I have believed unto salvation in Yeshua, He is my hope and my life!

I share this not only to explain my reason for the name of my blog but to share my purpose and reason for life. In the book of Galatians (2:20) it says "It is no longer I who live, but Yeshua who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

So there it is...my new blog...with its new title...sorry to those who were wondering where I have been. I am back and planning on keeping you up to date.

L'Chaim (to life!)